Please help mature/experienced: Should I trust my “gut feeling” or go with lingering emotions?
Best answer 5 stars. I know it’s fairly long, but I appreciate help!
I am 24 & dating my long-term beau (he’s 23) — whom I do not see myself marrying/settling down with. I am unsure about the future with him.. We were high school sweethearts & go way, way back. We went to school together. We dated for almost 4 years & then broke up for a couple reasons. After a year & a half apart, he perused me in May & we started dating again. It all happened so fast (maybe too fast), next thing I knew we were just like we used to be. I felt that if I didn’t try I may regret & think “what if..” I didn’t want to be left wondering & of course being each other’s first loves, there were lingering feelings & nostaligia “remember when..” etc. Well, some things have changed–while some things have not changed. He has not matured as much as I’d like & I have changed a great deal. We still both live in the same small town (he’s not going anywhere, as his landscaping business is based here & so is all his family). I almost felt like he asked me out again because he literally can’t get anyone else.. He’s not very romantic (which I’m usually okay with lol), not all that charming and doesn’t know the right things to say, etc. He’s always struggled in the dating arena. But somehow he still had a hold on my heart & vice versa. Well, I am concerned about a few things at this point after a couple months of dating again; For one thing, he recently moved in with a friend (his first time out of parents house) and I can’t stand the guy. He’s not really the greatest friend or a good example & loves to party, get wasted, etc. He’s pretty lame.. kinda trailer-trashy, sits around with his beer watching tv. You get the picture. He has no girlfriend & could care less if/when my bf hangs out with me. This is something I think I can deal with, but the other concerns are larger; My boyfriend and I are on very different planes in our belief systems. It is something that kinda haunts me in the back of my mind. It isn’t something I can’t really shake. I’ll forget about it for a few weeks, but then it creeps up again (he’s a liberal agnostic in a non-church going family; I was raised conservative christian..I’m aware his parents can’t stand me esp his mom). He respects my beliefs, but I can’t help but remember how we used to argue sometimes about our opposite views. While I am not a religious freak or like the people portrayed on TV, at the end of the day I have my faith & stick to my guns. We have not discussed anything religious since we started dating again. I was thinking I may invite him out to church in a few months in a non-pushy way, but if he says no then I think I should give up on converting him & move on..Because it IS somewhat important to me. I can’t ignore it. Next, I am concerned I may be accidentally using him in a way.. He gives me most of my social life. Half my friends live far away, and when we hang out he has fun ideas or places to go. I work 32 hours a week so that eats up a lot of social time too. Lastly, we are both virgins & I feel this sense of urgency in a way that he wants to get on with it already now that we’re older.. He has always respected my body & I give him major props for that.. It is very safe to say he didn’t just want me for sex — he never got it in the 3 1/2 years we dated! BUT I still don’t really want to do it now either..No matter how old I am because I want to wait til I have further commitment from someone (at least be engaged). I don’t care if I sound old-school, that’s just the way I am. I used to suggest this but at this point I don’t know how he’d handle it if I said I need a ring before intercourse.
I think we may be BOTH using each other in a way? We are comfortable with each other — we know how to laugh, how to have a good time. We have some good memories. But I don’t think that is enough to sustain a future. What are your thoughts? Where should I go from here? In my small gossipy town, I don’t want to be known as the dysfunctional couple but I try not to care what others think.. I’d just rather possibly break it off sooner rather than later and end up really hurt. It’s like I DO love him, but I don’t know if I should keep pursuing this.. I’m not sure if I’m IN love with him anymore.. Too much time went by, I had started to move on in a sense. Like part of me moved on at least? I feel neutral but when we’re together I usually have a blast & he’s smiling too.. Idk what to do.. My gut feeling says that this may be no good.. I don’t want to feel used. I am so torn.. Thank you for input.. This is a tough situation, I really need mature unbiased help. It is hard to get advice from friends/family on this. I need input from outsiders. It is greatly appreciated. THANK YOU.
You can’t expect to be ready for all unseen situations…you can’t stop what’s going to come. That’s just vanity.
It’s going to be what is going to be, you have some input but only some….make a decision and stick with it. Life is too damn short….
I have a very good friend, this woman is an angel and she’s 32, a virgin….she wanted to wait also. Now, I would thinkn that the act has become something else….almost a burden and not what it’s supposed to be….a very special act between 2 people who truly love each other.
Good luck to you….don’t make him too crazy, ok?
tl;dr
I am impressed with how articulate and well-thought-out your post here is; sad to say, there are some great people here but there are also a lot of people who can’t describe their issue for whatever reason, and it can be frustrating. That being said, I honestly think you should trust your “gut feeling”, instinct, whatever you want to call it because it’s usually right on; the big thing that stuck out to me was the fact that you are very active in your religious beliefs which are definitely not congruent with his. This may not seem all that big a deal now, but when you have kids, it will become a serious issue. You have to somehow be on at least a similar page aboutt all that before marriage/kids/etc. Also, I think you deserve to feel IN LOVE with your future husband. Don’t settle for someone just because they are convenient. I hope you stick to your principles and hold out for the right man, not just the available one. Best wishes and God bless.
I live in a small town but grew up in a larger town. I know how the small town goes, everyone knows everyone and you get very comfortable in your ties with people. You have thought this through but the thing that made up my mind was the fact that religion is important to you, and he doesn’t care. This would be the deal breaker in the long run. If he wouldn’t get involved with church then time for you to move on. I say that you should start really going to church and find a good man there. It is okay to be a virgin, in fact your husband will love you more each day. Stick by your principals, and if the future mother-in-law doesn’t like you, then it makes for some bad holidays.